The Last Song of Your Life

Do you ever think about what you are here for? It is believed that our wellbeing is greatly increased if we have a strong purpose. Indeed, since I have found my passion -my specialism compassionate leadership- I have really enjoyed work. I love to see others engage in the topic and find their purpose too. It’s especially interesting when people engage with the topic relating to their lived experience.

Can you tell me where you have been? And what you’ve learned from it all?

Pink ‘The Last Song of your Life’

Compassionate Leadership enables us to find, explore and appreciate our authentic self both in terms of our own self and respecting others. It is the ultimate space where diversity, equity and inclusion meet together to create belonging. When we bring our full self to work and are supported in doing so, we don’t fear mistakes, our creativity is enhanced and we take well educated risks to increase performance:

When you’re authentic , your incredible. I like the view behind your eyes

Pink ‘The Last Song of your Life’

Are you interested in finding out more? I have created a ‘One Stop Shop’ for Compassionate Leadership which will be a central source for finding out, learning more and tapping into some essential resources around compassionate leadership.

Have a browse around my videos on my site and see what you think?

For a Limited time – My video ‘the 7 underused secrets of Compassionate Leadership’ (part one) is completely FREE. Download here: https://hresque.sellfy.store/products

Just browsing? Look here https://hresque.sellfy.store

Thanks for reading,

Michelle

Founder

I told you I was trouble (You know that i’m no good)

I’ve been desperately trying to avoid the furore that has been happening on ‘This Morning’ recently, and I won’t comment on the main issue – but the toxicity of behaviour amongst the various presenters really gave us an insight into the sub-culture that existed under the facade of happy viewing.

It has been an uncomfortable scene, particularly when Holly gave a statement that was clearly carefully worded. I was however left empty and wondering how awful she must have felt:

I cheated myself

Like I knew I would

Amy Winehouse , No good

Have you ever been in a situation where you have felt the need to say something that did not sit right with you? I know I have at times felt like I have sold my soul for the ‘corporate good’. I think she was in a no win situation but another presenter saying the culture is fine (bar a few trouble-makers) really tested my trust as an onlooker. It is clear that things were spiralling out of control and taking ownership of that should be the priority for ITV employees’ sake.

What happens next is anyone’s guess and I hope that irrespective of the wider issue, the concerns raised are not brushed under the carpet for the sake of all the other employees affected. ITV really need to engage now with their staff to ensure that their feelings are respected following the fall out.

So a few final words from Amy for the ones that spoke out and were labelled ‘trouble’ for doing so, maybe they should sing loud and proud in the face of the adversity with a wry smile:

I told you I was trouble
Yeah, you know that I’m no good

Amy Winehouse , No good

Use it or lose it- Why it’s time to strengthen our compassionate leadership muscle.

Have you noticed the pace of change is getting faster and faster? 

Would it surprise you that the ‘pre-historic’ part of our brain is struggling to cope?

 Are you wondering why absenteeism caused by mental health illness is rising?

 If the answer to all of these questions is ‘yes’ then read on.

I love Ruby Wax and in particular, I personally recommend her podcast appearance on ‘Happy Place’.  During the podcast,  Ruby talks about the brain and in particular a pesky part of it called the amygdala .  In all seriousness, the amygdala does have an important function, if you are being chased by a bear.  When the amygdala becomes stressed, it sends a distress signal via the hypothalamus to communicate a signal to the rest of the body that it needs energy to fight or flee.  This is handy if you are in real danger.  Due to the modern fast based and aggressively competitive modern day world however, our amygdala is mis-firing and giving out distress signal when there is no imminent danger.  Ruby believes we can temper the amygdala in part by acknowledging that mindfulness based cognitive therapy – which she studied extensively at the university of Oxford-is a practice that teaches you to observe rather than react to your emotions.  In essence you observe the mis-fire as if it is happening to someone else but you can catch it in progress and say ‘aha that is anxiety’.  Labelling it is thought to lessen its effect.

How can we try however to avoid the amygdala mis-firing in the first place?

The sheer intensity and impact of the constant contact culture through social media and the ‘I want it now’ amazon culture means our brains are mis-firing faster than we can catch it.  This is literally changing the brain for the worst as MRI scans show.  Mindfulness helps beef up the amygdala to respond but the continuous hyper-vigilant state we end up surrendering to, causes anxiety to become chronic and mental health illness becomes more prevalent. ‘In a world of distraction’ as Ruby describes it, we need to dial down the impact on our amygdala and reduce its signaling.  That way the toxic effects of too much cortisol can’t wreak havoc on the system and cause us to be ill.

Post pandemic, however what do you do though when everyone around you is burning out and we are on the tipping point of a mental health pandemic?

A lot of mental health training focuses on the ‘self’ which whilst effective at building resilience and helping others on the approach to crisis, does not tackle what you do if you are on a burning platform nonetheless, due to your organisational culture.

Compassionate Leadership is not a panacea per se, but the evidence of its success is pretty compelling.  This leadership tool promotes going beyond empathising with each other to taking action by signposting, effective and attentive listening and calling out bad behaviour whilst offering support.  The Harvard Business review undertook research as part of the potential project and found that of 350 CEX and CHROs across 15K leaders and 150K employees in 5K companies across 100 countries including involving some big players such as Netflix, Yahoo, Lego and KPMG and produced these key findings:

Those who exercised compassionate leadership were:

-promoted faster

-were double less likely to quit

-14% higher performance

-Greater job engagement

Hougaard, R; Carter J. (2022) Compassionate Leadership, How to do hard things in a Human Way.

With this evidence as my momentum, I set about understanding what it meant to be compassionate in a practical way that Middle and Senior management can use.  This lead to the creation of the ELEVATE model.  The model is predicated on the assumption that humans are naturally capable of compassion and therefore this is available to everyone as a bolt on to an existing leadership style.

Before anyone claims this is too time-consuming, think about how many pointless grievance processes or painful tribunals your organisation has attended and think again.  In addition, for anyone who thinks it is too soft and fluffy- This does not avoid the tough stuff.  To the contrary it is engaging with the challenging themes of organisational life in a human way. The beauty is,  it can also be used to look at systemic leadership across the whole employee journey from attraction to exit.  This can be a stress preventative strategy as revisiting policies that often are parental in their nature and re-designing them to focus on the 2% that may underperform rather than the 98% that perform just fine through culture building.  Utilising this tool helps to create a culture of understanding which in turn builds psychological safety, inclusion and a sense of belonging.  Working in environments of safety naturally lowers stress and drives performance so, why would you prefer to do anything else?

Before anyone gets excited though, this takes work. Fear and insecurity often breeds the reverse type of behaviour and that isn’t going to stop people behaving badly. Some persistent perpetrators may even fake it in public but covertly practice the opposite e.g. bullying.  This is a very real issue in the UK press right now.  Creating a compassionate culture however enables people to feel confident to call out this behaviour and therefore dilute its impact.  This may diminish the use of soul-destroying processes like grievances and disciplinaries that are drainers of valuable time.  

So where do you get started?

Compassionate leadership workshops are a really positive way of raising awareness of the need in the first place.  Working through the ELEVATE model and providing business statistics to support its success can help gain the relevant buy in and trust to change culture for the better. This may give you the edge,  rather than cost you time in a competitive and challenging environment as a healthy team is a happy team.

The Climb – (Miley Cyrus)

When was the last time you took a break?

Recently I had a mini mental health set-back. Thankfully it was a warning shot and not a full-blown episode. I got caught in the grips of imposter syndrome and suddenly started questioning what I had to offer. It came at a time when i’d never been busier; had amazing feedback and repeat business. In other words it was totally irrational. I was however burned out and not practising self-care. I was chasing my purpose too hard. The song ‘The Climb’ by Miley Cyrus seems to be the theme-tune of my life:

‘I can almost see it

That dream I’m dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it’ 

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

All it took was a warm sunny climate and a digital detox to reset. I did however learn an important lesson about compassion. I was dreading telling people and letting people down but the reaction was so supportive. A special thanks to Professor Michael West,  Steve Hargreaves, Sue Murkin, Michelle O’Neill, Gordon Mcfarlane and Barry Pirie for showing understanding. I was overwhelmed by kindness and it was such marvellous medicine that allowed me to realise how much I was valued. It can feel shameful or weak to stop and tell people you are struggling, but that is the ‘inner voice’ playing tricks. We all need a break now and again. We all need to exercise compassion:

‘There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb’

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

So I faced the imposter in me,  rested and listened to the support. This enabled me to be able to discover what my gift is…the gift of lived experience, the gift of empathy and the gift of compassion. If I can sometimes not do it for myself. I can do it for others.

Keep the faith…
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep your faith, keep your faith

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

You are rarely at the bottom in life, however you feel and even if you are, the only way is up with the occasional need for a helping hand.

I’m offering VIP rates on my workshops around the 7 under-used secrets of compassionate leadership that talks more about this. Why not get in touch? Contact me here? ‘

Be the change-join the movement.

Celestial (You make me feel)

I’ve not blogged for a while, but I thought I ought to celebrate being one year fully free-lance and acknowledge the brave step I took to focus on compassionate leadership! It is the path less well trodden but increasingly the changes in our society both through health, war, economy and work challenges mean we need to do more to club together rather than compete with each other and support each other to be the best we can be… so naturally I am getting more interest in the work I do.

I started to think on my year anniversary why I do what I do? There are easier leadership development programmes. Ed Sheeran however came to mind (as you know I love a good jingle). These words encapsulate my purpose really well for me.

You make me feel
Like my troubled heart is a million miles away

Ed Sheeran, Celestial

They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I really saw that during lock-down where my friends really clubbed together around me and supported me when times were tough. I saw it everywhere- we all behaved like a community as we were experiencing a common problem. It also showed us what humanity is capable of, and whilst we adapted technologically, we also adapted emotionally. All I do in my sessions is reinforce that evolution of humanity and ensure that these important skills becomes part of the leadership, strategic and operational fibre of the business.

It’s been a lot of work but there is a growing acceptance that we all experience low moments and sometimes we need others to pull us up again. The people who support us don’t always need to be at home and strong bonds can be made at work as much as in our home lives. Let’s not compete but collaborate with our teams to bring our authentic selves, feel safe and enjoy a place where we spend so much of our time:

I see the light shining through the rain
A thousand colours in a brighter shadе
Needed to rise from the lowest place
There’s silver lining that surrounds the grey
When I get lost, will you come back around?
Things don’t look up when you’re goin’ down
I know your arms, they are reachin’ out
From somewhere beyond the cloud

Ed Sheeran, Celestial

So what is stopping you joining the journey and learning more about how you can optimise your teams through compassionate leadership? My service offer is here and I would love to hear from you. I also host a free springboard community if you would like to come along and share your story about what you are grateful for:

I’ll leave the final words to Ed:

We were made to be nothin’ more than this
Findin’ magic in all the smallest things
The way we notice, that’s what really matters

Ed Sheeran, Celestial

‘Head Over Feet’

I start today’s musings with a rhetorical question (be honest with yourself):

Have you ever given a back-handed compliment?

I decided to look up the definition of this:

backhanded compliment is a remark which seems to be an insult but could also be understood as a compliment. A backhanded compliment is also a remark which seems to be a compliment but could also be understood as an insult.

Collins Dictionary

Confused? …This definition (in my opinion) best sums up the confusion it causes as well as the impact it can have. I also know it is prevalent in workplaces. To ensure balance however, I am also highly conscious – as a compassionate leader- that people who use this technique may be using it to disguise their own insecurities or issues. Sadly, people with low self-esteem can either use it or be a victim of it. This is where Alanis Morrisette comes in. It takes alot (and regular reassurance) to counter these seemingly innocent comments:

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case, time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I’m a princess
I’m not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

Alanis Morrisette ‘Head over Feet’

When looking up the definition I also found some examples. Let’s ponder these for a second:

‘You did so much work today!’ (with a surprised tone)

‘I never cry; I could never get that upset!’ (when someone is upset)

‘You should smile more; you look so much prettier with a smile.’

‘You look so much healthier now!’

Hmmm… I know I have been guilty of back-handed compliments. Not one of these -I’ll keep the one I am thinking of to myself- I am not perfect after-all! I also know that the person I did it to thankfully pulled me up on it. I am forever grateful as I had the self awareness then to be able to at least try and be more self-aware. Do you know people who aren’t self aware in this area? How could you help them?

Now for the empowerment bit. I googled and found this American article: https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/5-best-ways-to-respond-to-backhanded-compliments.html .

If you find it useful why not drop the authors a line?

Finally, please be kind to yourself if you have made similar mistakes and see it as growth. I leave you with Alanis and how this reminds me of my husband who always encourages me to flourish:

You’ve already won me over
In spite of me
And don’t be alarmed if I fall
Head over feet
And don’t be surprised if I love you
For all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault

Alanis Morrisette Head Over Feet

Thanks for reading.

‘A Whole New World’

So I came across a video that nearly broke my heart. It was an extremely talented mother and son singing to each other the classic from Aladdin ‘ A Whole New World.’ It is so wonderful I had to share it with you. You can tell how close they are and that the young man clearly has inherited his mother’s wonderful voice:

Of course, it got me thinking about the power of connection. You would expect me to say that if you know me. Let’s think for a second though… your home ‘family’ -whatever that is – can be one part of the connection piece (in my case absolutely the biggest part) but work in the ‘new normal’ and through agile working can be isolating. It is so much easier if you have a work family too where people understand you and show compassion to each other. Sadly sometimes I confess to know that it is not always going to be the case in your organisation. I have however, come across various family references in organisations I have worked with e.g. ‘Work Wife, Work Mum, Work Sister’ and also on on social media. So a bit like the song- I want to explore the future of work in this context:

So at the end of the song it says

I can’t go back to where I used to be

A Whole New World (From the motion picture ‘Aladdin’)

It is where I am. Why not join me in this whole new world by looking at what I do here?

‘I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo’ versus ‘listen to the song here in my heart’

Today’s blog is unapologetically a bit of a Radiohead/Beyonce mash up. It came to me a while back following attending a memorial service for a very dear friend of mine – (Gordon) who had sadly passed. I could not complete it until now a few months on- I was too upset. During Gordon’s memorial service, I found out so much about him that I did not know. He was already a phenomenal friend to me but his life was so much richer than I ever knew. His generosity and his kind spirit was admired by many and – he had literally saved lives during his career. The huge turnout to pay respects both in person and online was really so touching. I hoped he was somewhere watching it.

During the service three things crossed my mind:

  1. I wonder if he ever knew in life how much everyone thought of him? Did we all take the time to tell him?
  2. Why didn’t I know all these things about my fabulous friend?
  3. Then the ‘ego’ one slipped in- ‘What would people say about me?’

On 1 and 2, I want to pledge to know one thing I did not know about the friends and colleagues I work closely with by the end of the week. I encourage you to do the same. Perhaps it will fuse closer connections. Why wait until someone is no longer around to find out the important contribution they made to this life?

On 3, there have been a number of times in my life where the ‘imposter’ has made me dilute my achievements. I confess I have been at conferences in the past and thought:

‘What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here… ‘

Radiohead ‘Creep’

I think this was because I had not found my purpose. But then I met Toni McLelland from 1st Life Group who unleashed my inner Beyonce and reminded me that these were old tapes playing. I was entitled to be there as much as anyone, my voice is my voice and it may help someone. It made me realise that some of the more challenging experiences at work I had experienced in the past could strengthen and not weaken the cause for compassionate leadership. As Beyonce sings :

I’m more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own, my own

Beyonce ‘Listen’ from the motion picture ‘Dreamgirls’

I know now not to define leader by grade. When you think about it- anyone can be a leader. We also all want to be considered as being ‘special’ to someone and this is not just in our personal life but our work-life too. We may not all want an all singing dancing recognition party but there is certainly a bit of me that craves a small ‘Gordon’ moment? I also want my imposter to stop comparing and start sharing:

‘You’re so very special
I wish I was special’

Radiohead, ‘Creep’ [edited expletive]

If we find it within ourselves difficult to be compassionate then how can others be compassionate to us?

So if your work situation is toxic or you are leading an unhappy team, reach out. You may discover something about someone you never knew. Otherwise you may lose someone valuable to your team.

But I’ll be moving on
If you don’t, if you won’t

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Beyonce ‘Listen’

Feel free to drop me a line about what you have found out about your colleagues today and thanks for reading.

Michelle

All you need is love

Sounds weird doesn’t it? … to say you love people at work. When you listen to the third minute of this video though you will see how natural and believable it can sound. How much did I want to work for Steven Gerrard after seeing this!

This interview with Steven Gerrard, Football Manager of Aston Villa, came after Philippe Coutinho scored an impressive and important equalising goal against Manchester United. It was clear that Philippe was brought on to change the shape of the match and there was a lot of pressure to score in his cameo appearance. What was also clear though was the amount of effort Gerrard intended to put in to make Coutinho feel supported and loved.

So what can we learn from this?

Well, employees basically thrive more if their performance is supported and importantly the environmental conditions are right.

I do believe leaders need to develop and essentially create the kind of compassionate, supportive environment Gerrard talks about.

As the Beatles sang:

All you need is love

Love is all you need

Iore from my newsletter.

The Beatles

Who you are (it’s okay not to be okay)

So today is a bit of an experiment. I usually write when I am in a buoyant mood but today I have felt a bit low and thought in the spirit of authenticity, why not write? The ‘mood’ comes after an amazing weekend that was just so peaceful and relaxing where I had really jumped off the hamster wheel and taken the opportunity to just be.

As you can see idyllic right? Today though it was back to earth again and all the expectations -often self created- came flooding back about what I should be doing right now. I’ve managed to catch the mood as it is happening and not be too swayed by it. It is on days like this though that it is even more important for me to align to my purpose. It is also in these ‘low’ moments that doubts can creep in and the need to re-centre on my ‘why’ is essential . It was during this reflection the song by Jessie J popped into my head and these lines:

Don’t lose who you are

In the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving

Dreaming is believing

it’s okay not to be okay

Sometimes it’s hard

To follow your heart

Tears don’t mean you’re losing

Everybody’s bruising

Just be true to who you are

Jessie J – Who you are

I know I will wake up tomorrow and think ‘what was that all about?’ – I always do. I did not however want to brush the feeling off as this is part of me as much as the buoyant side of me is. We all have different moods throughout the day – and some of us are less adept at hiding them- this is why it is so important to be able to be yourself in your working environment and I wanted to share my ‘work’ me today.

Thanks for reading – I am working on a Compassionate Leadership Series that goes further into this space and if you are interested in finding more about being authentic and this work take a look here.

Above all though take care and be ‘who you are’.

Michelle